Overshare of the night before it eats my brain alive.
Not sure if my libido is exceptionally low, my Hypothalamus is fucked, or if its related to my depression, or what have you, but I feel inadequate/strange/inhuman when it comes to my inability to hold sexual attraction to a random person, without there being emotional background attached, if there is a chance to hold onto that attraction at all. Like, I have a disconnect with the concept of random bouts of lust in everyday life, and their ability to last. I feel like I can’t quite hold my attention for that long.
Its moved past a destructive attitude of sex= love, which I definitely think is related, but theres still a part of me, that while being kinky, is really just very modestly satisfied, to the point where I just…don’t grasp/need big indulgences in lots of people at once.
And as far as fantasies go, sure, I have my list, but they’re so far down on my priorities, even while being in San Francisco and having opportunities, and that makes me feel like I’m not taking advantage of them, am ungrateful, etc.
Sometimes I feel like I could go plain ole’ uber vanilla for my whole life and be okay with it….or maybe I’m still harboring repressed feelings of panic and selfishness from previous situations? Idon’tknow
And porn seems rather problematic and unnecessary a lot of the time unless its a particular urge, or something really objective, down to a certain detail or act or prop….i.e, pegging, paint play (or hey, that gif set of oral was pretty nice)
I don’t know, I’m doing a looooot better than I was one, two years ago. Although theres still the leftover emotional scraps of wishing I was a different person sexually.
Also, Quinton brought up girlies the other day, and I just got sad at my ‘experiences’ with women and how they’ve either ended up disastrous in some way, or just…died out o.o
I dunno, I wish I had someone who could relate to me on this…>.<
Alsoalso, having my recent memory loss/haze kinda episodes and my feeling like my brain is damaged doesn’t help any of these feelings.
and now, back to homework.
- psychokandi posted this